I saw a post on Facebook in a local mom’s group about regulating our middle schoolers’ phones and screens. In it, the author spoke to the fact that whether you want to believe it or not, most of our middle schoolers have come across porn–and not just once.
The comments that followed were a slew of varying opinions: the applause in agreement, the reprimanding of the porn industry, the sex-positive proclamations from those that view sexuality as part of a healthy curiosity, the helicopter mom that viewed control as the best form of regulation, the hands-off mom that views independence and trial-and-error as the most effective strategy to prevent rebellion. And that was just the tip of the iceberg.
All of these points have validity. All opinions deserve a space to be heard and understood. We can be conflicting in our positions and still arrive at a place of open dialogue. In fact, perhaps that’s where the true understanding comes from.
This mom was right: if a middle schooler hasn’t seen porn yet, they’re an anomaly. And all the moms that commented on the post, their opinions were valid too–because the truth is, in this messy and complex world, multiple truths can exist all at once.
What struck me about this particular facebook thread was the ability for these moms to passionately express their opinions, without falling into the trap of the “blame game.” We all know it; the blame game that takes a problem and focuses on it like a laser beam to identify who’s at fault rather than getting to the heart of the matter: what are we gonna do about it?
The truth is, it’d be too easy to just blame any one entity for the fact that our kids are watching explicit adult material. It’d be too easy to blame their screens and technology. It’d be too easy to blame that ‘bad influence’ our kid is hanging out with for getting his or her hands on porn, or to blame snapchat for that topless photo our daughter sent to an older boy. It’d be too easy to blame that laissez-faire mom for not regulating her kids’ behavior in the way that you think she should. It’d be too easy…to just blame.
Blaming doesn’t get us anywhere. Blaming doesn’t allow us to move forward with a strategy to course correct; to create a better outcome for ourselves, for our families and our kids.
So, let’s drop the blame, and approach the topic of our kids watching online pornography with a new mentality: solving the problem with curiosity and care. Curiosity of how we can better approach the conversations we need to have, and care for how, at the end of the day, we all really want our children to be happy, healthy, and safe.
We can do all that together.
