Teens have a sneaky feeling that porn is the real sex-ed, the good stuff that we’re not telling them.
It’s not, of course, and we tell them so, but they don’t quite believe us.
They think the up-close camera angle is going to show them what to do. That they can’t learn what to do anywhere else. See, they want to show up in a sexual relationship already knowing how to do it all, not as a novice, not as someone learning.
They’re so focused on researching what to do that how they feel – and how their partner feels – takes a back seat.
Those of course, are the real skills: being embodied, communicatingcommunication. Porn doesn’t help with that. Quite the opposite.
How do we help them understand?
You can start out by asking your child exactly this question. You could say, “Hey, I’m not in the loop, this wasn’t available when I was young, so maybe you can tell me. Do kids think watching porn is a good way to learn about sex?”
If you get a Yes, ask why. If you get a No, ask why not.
After you’ve listened and asked follow up questions (Would you say that’s what most kids think? What do you think?), thank them for having a frank discussion with you.
If you’re getting the signals that your child is uncomfortable, let it go at that and celebrate your win! You just had a talk about porn! Well done! It’s totally ok to end here and save everything you want to say until next time.
If your child seems comfortable though, you might want to ride the wave. Ask: “Would you like to hear what I think?” and wait for the answer.
Of course, you’ll have to be ready for a Yes! If you’re wondering where to take it from here,
